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Lifestyle – Temperance – Marriage

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No discussion of temperance would be complete without a discussion of sexual passion. God created man with sexual desires and desires for intimacy. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:24-25. Let us analyze this well-known, but not always well followed, verse.

The first prerequisite for marriage is that the man is to leave his father and mother. So, before the man marries, he is to leave his family home and establish a home of his own. Many youth are looking for relationships and intimacy before they meet the first requirement of marriage, to be established themselves and able to maintain a household. The next step is to cleave unto his wife, not his girlfriend, boyfriend, an acquaintance, or family of orgin. Once this marriage relationship is begun, the couple should then cleave to each other and look to no one else for intimacy. It is then that God allows intimacy in the form of nakedness and sexual relationship. Much of our world today has lost the shame of nakedness (Revelation 16:15), as often the way we dress leaves more and more of the body exposed for all to see. Could this also be part of why sexual intimacy is no longer seen as something that is not exclusive to marriage?

Once a man and a woman have committed to marriage, the Lord says, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Matthew 19:9. Divorce has become rampant both in and out of the church with divorce occurring in nearly 50 percent of marriages. Not only has society rejected that marriage is a lifelong commitment made in the presence of a holy God, but it seems that we have forgotten that to remarry, when the cause of divorce is not fornication, is committing adultery. It is important to remember to, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” I Corinthians 6:18.

In the Old Covenant, the punishment for adultery was severe, “And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Leviticus 20:10. In the New Covenant, the punishment is eternal death (Revelation 22:15).

Through the ministry of Jesus, we learn that we are also to keep the law with our inward thoughts. In Matthew 5:28 the Lord says, “That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Therefore, the seventh commandment of the Decalogue, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” begins with modest, Godly dress that does not reveal our nakedness, circumspect behavior, appropriate courtship, and then purity, maintained by each partner in the marriage relationship.

“Let your moderation [abstinence from that which is harmful and moderation of that which is good] be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.” Philippians 4:5.

Customs of Bible Times – Conducting Negotiations to Secure a Wife

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The customs of the Arabs in certain areas of Bible lands when they negotiate to secure a bride for their son, illustrate in many respects Biblical practices. If a young man has acquired sufficient means to make it possible for him to provide a marriage dowry, then his parents select the girl and the negotiations begin. The father calls in a man who acts as a deputy for him and the son. This deputy is called “the friend of the bridegroom” by John the Baptist (John 3:29). This man is fully informed as to the dowry the young man is willing to pay for his bride. Then, together with the young man’s father, or some other male relative, or both, he goes to the home of the young woman. The father announces that the deputy will speak for the party, and then the bride’s father will appoint a deputy to represent him. Before the negotiations begin, a drink of coffee is offered the visiting group, but they refuse to drink until the mission is completed. Thus Abraham’s servant, when offered food by the parents of Rebekah, said, “I will not eat, until I have told mine errand” (Genesis 24:33). When the two deputies face each other, then the negotiations begin in earnest. There must be consent for the hand of the young woman and agreement on the amount of dowry to be paid for her. When these are agreed upon, the deputies rise and their congratulations are exchanged, and then coffee is brought in, and they all drink of it as a seal of the covenant thus entered into.

Reasons for the Marriage Dowry

Bride’s family – In the Orient, when the bride’s parents give their daughter in marriage, they are actually diminishing the efficiency of their family. Often unmarried daughters would tend the flock of their father (Exodus 2:16), or they would work in the field, or render help in other ways. Thus upon her marriage, a young woman would be thought of as increasing the efficiency of her husband’s family and diminishing that of her parents. Therefore, a young man who expects to get possession of their daughter must be able to offer some sort of adequate compensation. This compensation was the marriage dowry.

It was not always required that the dowry be paid in cash; it could be paid in service. Because Jacob could not pay cash, he said, “I will serve thee seven years for Rachel” (Genesis 29:18). King Saul required the lives of one hundred of the enemy Philistines as dowry for David to secure Michal as his wife (I Samuel 18:25).

The bride – It was usually customary for at least some of the price of the dowry to be given to the bride. This would be in addition to any personal gift from the bride’s parents. Leah and Rachel complained about the stinginess of their father Laban. Concerning him they said, “He hath sold us, and hath also quite devoured the price paid for us” (Genesis 31:15, ARV margin). Laban had had the benefit of Jacob’s fourteen years of service, without making the equivalent of at least part of it as a gift to Leah and Rachel.

Since a divorced wife in the Orient is entitled to all her wearing apparel, for this reason much of her personal dowry consists of coins on her headgear or jewelry on her person. This becomes wealth to her in case her marriage ends in failure. This is why the dowry is so important to the bride and such emphasis is placed upon it in the negotiations that precede marriage. The woman who had ten pieces of silver and lost one was greatly concerned over the loss, because it was doubtless a part of her marriage dowry (Luke 15:8, 9).

Special dowry from the bride’s father

It was customary for fathers who could afford to do so to give their daughters a special marriage dowry. When Rebekah left her father’s house to be the bride of Isaac, her father gave her a nurse and also damsels who were to be her attendants (Genesis 24:59, 61). And Caleb gave to his daughter a dowry of a field with springs of water (Judges 1:15). Such was sometimes the custom in olden times.

Fred H. Wight, Manners and Customs of Bible Lands, Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois, 1953, 127, 128.

A Letter to Newlyweds

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Dear Edson & Emma,

My dear children, I am desirous that you should know Christ by experimental knowledge of Him yourselves. You should obtain an experience for yourselves and be His earnest, faithful servants, manifesting perseverance and zeal and energy in the work and cause of God. Seek to exemplify Christ in your lives. Seek to adorn your profession. Take an exalted position in divine things, seeking to perfect Christian character.

You, my children, have given your hearts to one another; unitedly give them wholly, unreservedly to God. In your married life, seek to elevate one another, not to come down to common, cheap talk and actions. Show the high and elevating principles of your holy faith in your everyday conversations and in the most private walks of life. Be ever careful and tender of the feelings of one another. Do not allow either of you for even the first time, a playful bantering, joking, censuring of one another. These things are dangerous. They wound. The wound may be concealed, nevertheless the wound exists, and peace is being sacrificed and happiness endangered when it could be easily preserved.

Edson, my son, guard yourself and in no case manifest the least disposition savoring of a dictatorial, overbearing spirit. It will pay to watch your words before speaking. This is easier than to take them back or efface their impression afterwards. Brother Winslow has made his married life very bitter by a dictatorial, ordering spirit, savoring of the arbitrary. He has made his wife’s family much trouble by the set will savoring of perverseness.

Edson, shun all this. Ever speak kindly; do not throw into the tones of your voice that which will be taken by others as irritability. Modulate even the tones of your voice. Let only love, gentleness, and mildness be expressed in your countenance and in your voice. Make it a business to shed rays of sunlight, but never leave a cloud. Emma will be all to you you can desire if you are watchful and give her no occasion to feel distressed and troubled and doubt the genuineness of your love. Yourselves can make your happiness, or lose it. You can, by seeking to conform your life to the Word of God, be true, noble, elevated, and smooth the pathway of life for each other.

Edson, you, my dear boy, have to educate yourself in practicing self-control. God help you, my much loved son, to see the force of my advice and counsel to you. Be careful every day of your words and acts. Yield to each other. Yield your judgment sometimes, Edson; do not be persistent if your course appears just right to yourself. You must be yielding, forbearing, kind, tenderhearted, pitiful, courteous, ever keeping fresh the little courtesies of life, the tender acts, the tender, cheerful, encouraging words. And may the best of Heaven’s blessings rest upon you both, my dear children, is the prayer of your mother. Manuscript Release, vol. 20, 333, 334.

The End